Parties

I am discovering that I don't really like parties. After each one I go to I am less and less interested. Sure, when I get the invitation, I'm like, "Yippee!!! A party! Get to see lots of people, eat lots of food, what could be better?" But by the end I'm moaning, "What was I thinking?" I just went to a birthday party. My opinion might change later, but right now I really hate parties.
That's how I know I'm introverted. I am energized when I'm alone, and being around a lot of people often drains me. It's not like I dislike people in general. I know humans were made for relationships. All I really want for my life is to be surrounded by people who love me. But the party atmosphere is different. This group of teenagers talked for four hours. The only other thing we did was eat. The conversation was shallow, boring, quite often, inappropriate. (Dear hostess, if you're reading this, I don't mean to offend you. I appreciate you inviting me. I especially loved the times when I got to sit by myself on your shed roof.) What really bugged me was that the group of kids was mainly Christian homeschoolers, but what do you suppose we talked about? Stupidity. Being gay. The girls whispered about cute boys. One girl (she has a boyfriend) kept suggesting that she and my brother take a ride in the go-kart together and tried to figure out who his love interest was. The kids around me joked about racism, homosexuality, genocide, and suicide. I wanted to scream at them to shut up! What they said, the way they lightly discussed killing oneself, was completely offensive. Don't you have a life?! Don't you care about people?! Don't you know people commit suicide every day?! Can't you see that I am *** ** *** **** ****** ******* ******* **** **** ****** **** *******?!?! No, they talk about it as if it's funny.
I don't exactly love being alone. Lately I have been struggling with feelings of isolation. I have four wonderful people who I consider best friends. But three of them live in another state— I get to see them one week a year at camp, if that— and the other, she lives in the same state as I do but our plans to see each other rarely work. What I really want and need is human contact. A hug when I'm down. But not just a hug from any shallow jerk. I want a big house where I can live with all my close friends.
What really energizes me, I guess, is not being alone. It is thinking of these downright AWESOME Christian friends and what we have been through together. Being around people at parties just distracts me from thinking about the important stuff. When I sat alone on the roof I wasn't rejoicing in my solitude. I was wishing I had a computer so I could read my friends' last emails and talk to them via internet— my only method of contact. I missed them and wanted to be with them.
So yes, I am introverted. Being at large gatherings exhausts me. But my personality is more complex than that. I rarely want to be completely alone. I want people— just not a lot of them.

Either way, I don't really like parties. ;)